THE THREE JOES

Excuse me sir, could you lend me 20p
Can you lend me the price of a cup of tea
Don't you know, I love you baby
Don't you know, you drive me crazy

So how are you doing, you doing all right?
I'm doing all right pal, doing all right
Can't you see, don't you know I'm loaded
Just look at me, look at me, I just can't fail
And ooooooooooooh, I'm loaded, oh oh oh oh oh I'm loaded
They wouldn't let me in, they wouldn't let me in
I just nudged me elbow, the window went in

By the light of the moon, la la-la la-la
We'd sip and croon, la la-la la
And drink some beer and sing some songs
And hello Portsmouth I hear that Tottenham lost 1-0
How do you feel?

Down Memory Lane, la la-la la-la
We'd catch a train, la la-la la
And light a fire and build a bed
And hello gorgeous

By the light of the moon, la la-la la-la
We'd sip and croon, la la-la la
And drink some songs and sing some beer
And hello gorgeous


HARD HAT ZONE

Well this a hard hat zone, so don't you come alone
'Cause you've got to protect your head, or you will end up dead

La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la! Hey!

La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la!
La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la!

With a hard hat on my head, it keeps me safe and sound
From all the other boneheads
Who are rockin' head-first around this town

Hard hat zone, keep your hard hat
It's a hard hat zone, keep your hard hat on
Oh yes a hard hat zone, keep your hard hats on

Well this is the Glasgow train, and I got a Tennents' brain
We're playing away from home, we're playing the tartan zone
(and there's something wrong)
Well can you feel there's something wrong, in this heavy steaming zone
Well can't you feel the steaming presence,
Of a heavy breathing, sermon heaving, hard hat clone

It's a hard hat zone, keep your hard hats
Hard hat zone, keep your hard hats on
Oh yes a hard hat zone, keep your hard hats on

Hard hats on
La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la! Oi!

La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la!
La la-la-la la la la la-la-la la la la la-la!

Well now you got your hard hat
Now you got your hard head
Now you got your bald head
And now you are an egg head

Well rip out the plastic bit inside
And then pull the brim right over your eyes
And hold your head up high, and proudly raise your bollard to the sky

It's a hard hat zone, keep your hard hats
Hard hat zone, keep your hard hats on
Yeah yeah, a hard hat zone, keep your hard hats on

And we've all, got our hard hats on, yes we have
'Cause we're all, in a hard hat zone, yeah yeah yeah yeah
And we've all, got our hard hats on
You've gotta put your hats on


UGLY

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no, oh no, oh no, oh no no nooooooo

Goodness gracious me you're so ugly
Goodness me what am I gonna do?
Well you've got rough bits where your smooth bits should be
So why do I keep on loving you?

Well your face is long and wrinkly, it's lost its fight with gravity
And baby when you smile at me your chin hangs down below your knees

Oh goodness gracious me you're so ugly
Oh goodness me what am I gonna do?
Well you've got rough bits where your smooth bits should be
So why do I keep on loving you?

Oh with your long red hair baby, I don't care
That you've got a nose to match
And beauty they say is only skin deep anyway
Baby, I'm banking on that

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no, oh no, oh no, oh no no nooooooo

Oh goodness gracious me you're so ugly
Oh goodness me what am I gonna do?
Well you've got rough bits where your smooth bits should be
So why do I keep on loving...
Why do I keep on loving...
Why do I keep on loving you?


TALL BALL


GOIN' HOME

We used to watch on television all that they did show
And sometimes in the Winter we'd go sledging in the snow
My Mum and Dad would argue about how to cook the roast
My brother never spoke to me, when I wore his coat

We'd lie around smoking 20 good-night fags till late
We'd play old songs, have sing-a-longs, while jeering up our mates
We used to watch on television all that they did show
Once a fortnight we'd sign on, down the ol' King Cole

But those were the days when we were living with our folks
There was fire, food and fags and beer and beds
But now those days have gone, well things just ain't the same
We're on the beaten track
We've got things to do and friends to make
Well I wish they'd take us back

Arguing till dawn about who'd make a pot of tea
Playing cards and cigarettes while watching the TV
And Dr Death, the ace of spades, decided all our fates
Chewing up on pepper corns and spewing into plates

And when we'd watch on television, all that they did show
We'd steal upstairs after dark to try on granny's clothes
My Mum would lie in bed and wonder, what was all that noise
Naively thinking to herself, "boys will be boys"

The time has come, and in the sun
We're gonna run, run, run, run, run away
So come on by, and drink this town dry

Skiving school all afternoon, to catch up on TV
Coffee, fags at Woody's house, another pot of tea
Why, sure we'd watch on television all that they did show
We'd always watch the television, no where else to go

Television on, what's on the box my son?
Now it seems all we do, is to reminisce
We're slumped in front of televisions, bleary eyed and pissed

But those were the days when we were living with our folks
There was fire, food and fags and beer and beds
But now those days have gone, well things just ain't the same
We're on the beaten track
We've got things to do and friends to make
Well I wish they'd take us back


DIDDLE I

Well it’s dark in here and my soup’s gone cold and my feet have turned to brass
And the gas is all gone and the telly’s on the blink, how much longer can I last?

And I wish I was in the promised land, the land of milk and honey
I’d ride around in a big fast car, with a wallet stuffed with money

Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di
Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di

What’s Enoch got to say to me?, well let’s turn on the telly and see
But the telly’s on the blink, washing up’s in the sink, and there’s no electricity

Well I wish I was in the promised land, the land of milk and honey
I’d ride around in a big fast car, with a wallet stuffed with money

Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di
Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di

The rubbish is piled outside the front door, and the dustmen said they won’t take it no more
The bannister’s lying at the bottom of the stairs, we all got drunk and kicked them there

I wish we had some cheese in the fridge, I thought we had some ham
And WPC 489, towed away our van

Well I wish I was in the promised land, the land of milk and honey
I’d ride around in a big fast car, with a wallet stuffed with money

Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di
Diddle I di di, diddle I di di, diddle I di diddle I di


CAN YOU LEND ME 20p

Rockin' train, that guitar train, rolling down the track
He's got electric fingers and a two ton plectrum sack
Here he come that Nutley boy, people say he's dumb
People say he got round head, but oh no not true son

Can you lend me 20p
One for him and one for me
I've got to get to Aldgate East

Swami's at the cooker again, cooking him some toast
Said he wouldn't mind so much, but he's just seen a ghost
Here he come that Nutley boy, people say he's dumb
People say he got round head, but oh no not true son

Can you lend me 20p
One for him and one for me
I've got to get to Aldgate East

You goin' sing with me brothers?
Yar da - da...

Rockin' train, that guitar train, rolling down the track
He's got electric fingers and a two ton plectrum sack
Here he come that Nutley boy, people say he's dumb
People say he got round head, but oh no not true son

Can you lend me 20p
One for him and one for me
I've got to get to Aldgate East

Can you lend me 20p
One for him and one for me
I've got to get to Aldgate East


ALLEY CATS

I walk through the alley, with old Annie Fats
I walk through the cavern, with the blood sucking rats

(1 2 3 4)

I need no car, no motorbike, I need no bus or train
I love the sunny weather and I love it in the rain
My awkward ways, the other folks, they fail to understand
‘Cause I ain’t under the pressure of the so-called respectable man

The richer folks, with umbrellas
The pretty girls, with handsome fellas
I know they’d love to put me away

We sleep in bins, eat rotten fruit, we roll from door to door
We drink cheap cider, mixed with lager
And roll around on floors

There’s broken glass, banana skins, the lights they always shine
Don’t talk to me about feeling bad, we’re all feeling fine
Old Annie Fats is starting to sing, her tail is in the air
The cavern party’s starting to swing, and everybody’s there

The richer folks, with umbrellas
The pretty girls, with handsome fellas
I know they’d love to put me away

A greasy ball, that’s eight feet tall, and ground her teeth right down
The jitter folk are outta town when Annie Fats is around
Designer shirts that stretch across, a mile of yellow and white
And it don’t matter what she wears, it always looks real tight
Old Annie Fats is starting to sing, her tail is in the air
The cavern party’s starting to swing, and everybody’s there

The richer folk, with umbrellas
The pretty girls, with handsome fellas
I know they’d love to put me
I know they’d love to put me
I know they’d love to put me away


FATMAN

I’m the guy that ain’t so cool
The fat man with the ice cream at the end of the pool
While musclebound geezers do somersault dives
My stomach wobbles from side to side

In the pictures or down to The Ritz
No girl by my side, I just crunch my crisps
While couples walk down Lovers’ Lane
I lie in bed groaning with stomach pain

(I bet you can’t guess how lucky I am) no I ain’t
(I bet you can’t guess how lucky I am) no I ain’t
(I bet you can’t guess how lucky I am)
Well I ain’t

I’m the guy that ain’t so hot
I’m the man, woman forgot
Who’d ever moan if this fat man died
Who’d hear the screams if I was buried alive

Ska do be dub... wah!


WALTZ SCHMALTZ

Each morn when he risen, he strolls into the bathroom
Look down on the streets, where he sees her once more
The sun breaks through the dust but still bitter is the air
It's the smell of stale perfume, dead water and her

She walk down the street, she knows how to make a heart beat
Not how to hear it, but how much to charge
It's not what it takes, it's what gives and what is asked for
It's not what it cost, but what walks out the door

But spurned in vain, as he wanes by increasing
I'm dreaming of lock jaw, I'm dreaming of waltzing
The starlight and jaundice, and piss coloured moonbeams and you

Each morn when he risen, he strolls into the bathroom
Look down on the streets, where he sees her once more
The sun breaks through the dust but still bitter is the air
It's the smell of stale perfume, dead water and her

But spurned in vain, as he wanes by increasing
I'm dreaming of lock jaw, I'm dreaming of waltzing
The starlight and jaundice, and piss coloured moonbeams and you...

(Seal break)

She walk down the street, she knows how to make a heart beat
Not how to hear it, but how much to charge
It's not what it takes, it's what gives and what is asked for
It's not what it cost, but what walks out the door


NEANDERTHAL MAN

Well here he comes on down the street
(Neanderthal Man)
Headbowed low just-a-shufflin’ his feet
(Neanderthal Man)
A wooly hat upon his head
(Neanderthal Man)
Well I hear he wears it while in bed

OI OI OI

Neanderthal man (neanderthal man)
Neanderthal man (neanderthal man)
Neanderthal man he was a neanderthal man

Well he tries to, he tries to pick up all the birds
Then he tells them, he tells them the worst jokes that I’ve ever heard
Then he takes them, he takes them for a spin in his rover
You know the only thing that he wants to do
Is get his leg right over

Neanderthal man (neanderthal man)
Neanderthal man (neanderthal man)
Neanderthal man he was a neanderthal man

Neanderthal man, neanderthal man,
Neanderthal man, he was a neanderthal man,
A neanderthal man, a neanderthal man


WAKE UP LONDON

Rise and shine, by your beds, wakey wakey, show a leg

Wake up Wembley, wake up Waterloo, wake up Westminster (order, order!)
Wake up Wanstead, wake up Walthamstow, wake up Woolwich
Wandsworth, West Ham, Wimbledon, Watford
Wake up will you, rise and shine, come on, wake up wake up will you
Wake up, come on, wake up, come on now, wake up I tell you WAKE UP!
Wake up London!

Left right, left right left, left right, left right left
Left right, left right left, left right, left right left

Left right, left right left, left right, left right left
Left right, left right left, left right, left right left

Look at me face, look at me lace, can’t you see I’m loaded
Here’s the song we sung today, it’s all been done (I love you baby)
I live in hell, I’m Ralph McTell, lend me 20p

Wake up Wembley, wake up Waterloo, wake up Westminster (order, order!)
Wake up Wanstead, wake up Walthamstow, wake up Wambeth
Wandsworth, West Ham, Wimbledon, Watford
Wandsworth, West Ham, Wimbledon, Watford
Wandsworth, West Ham, Wimbledon, Wambeth
Wandsworth, Wambeth, Wimbledon, Watford

Wake up London!


BUM DRUM

Down in darkest, deepest Africa there is a swinging drum
A shallow man would say it’s just a native slapping his bum
We’ve heard your flatulence a breaking out between two swollen cheeks
All a bouncing us together, it’s all just full of conceit

And so we hear you going on, and on and on and on and on
You ask nothing of us boys, so we don’t hear your song
In the corner is a band, a-playing jazz or blues or what they say
Strumming bored and well-worn chords, whine and watch me play

So look in your boots and find your roots
‘Cause something’s chucking up alright
We won’t tell yer, but we’ll smell when you ain’t getting it right
So let’s look back to chimps and monkeys
They’re the ones that know the songs
One of them chitters, the other one chatters
And everyone sings along

It’s an opportunity to move, great men to wobble all their limbs
You’ve all been given every chance, to dance and all should sing
So tear your posters off the wall, trample them across the floor
Fill your lungs with air and scream, “this band’s a f**kin’ bore!”

So look in your boots

So look in your boots and find your roots
‘Cause something’s chucking up alright
We won’t tell yer, but we’ll smell when you ain’t getting it right
So let’s look back to chimps and monkeys
They’re the ones that know the songs
One of them chitters, the other one chatters
And everyone sings along


HERE I GO AGAIN

Here I go again, oh much too much to drink again
It's never been quite like this before
Oh won't you marry me, if you could only carry me
Could you please show me the door

Well to get this story right, I got into a fight
At the pub, well I had to, you see
I saw this woman there, fell in love with her golden hair
And her boyfriend beat the shite, out of me

So for everyone, who thinks it's fun
You should feel my head today
So for everyone, who thinks it's fun
It's wasting me away

Waste me away...

So wherever you may roam, wherever you may be
Please think of me friends, think of me
For in a bar-room sure, I'll be prostrate on the floor
And they'll all, be fighting 'cause of me

So for everyone, who thinks it's fun
You should feel my head today
So for everyone, who thinks it's fun
It's wasting me away
Yes, it's wasting me away


ALKA SALSA

If I miss out on glory, in some war hero’s story
It wouldn’t be bad luck, ‘cause I would not be there
If I don’t save some girl from imminent peril
It’ll be because I’m asleep in my armchair

When I’m lying back pissed I don’t care that I’ve missed
The troubles, the medals and the cheers
If everyone was famous for 15 minutes each
But mine would be for drinking 15 beers

I never want to be a hero
‘Cause I want to live for far too long
I just leave that to the folks, with hearts made of oak
This is the in pursuit of leisure song
This is the in pursuit of leisure song

When I’m lying back pissed I don’t care that I’ve missed
The troubles, the medals and the cheers
If everyone was famous for 15 minutes each
But mine would be for drinking 15 beers
When I’m lying back pissed I don’t care that I’ve missed
The troubles, the medals and the cheers
If everyone was famous for 15 minutes each
But mine would be for drinking 15 beers

I never want to be a hero
‘Cause I want to live for far too long
I just leave that to the folks, with hearts made of oak
This is the in pursuit of leisure song
This is the in pursuit of leisure song

I never want to be a hero
‘Cause I want to live for far too long
I just leave that to the folks, with hearts made of oak
This is the in pursuit of leisure song
This is the in pursuit of leisure song
This is the in pursuit of leisure song


PUFFER

The train is coming down the track, I wonder where it’ll go
Sweet baby’s coming down the track, it’s coming for me and you
Thank God, thank God!

You laugh at me and I’ll smile at you, and soon we’re on our way
(soon we’re on our way)
The sun beats rhythms on your face, and we sway in time with the train
Zip bing brrrrr, what d’he say? what d’he say? he said...

I’m on an awayday with you babe (come on, come on, come on)
Come on girls, let’s have it awayday
Let’s have it awayday!

And now the train is gonna move, it’s really gonna move (really gonna move)
The driver’s happy in his suit and hat, he’s really in the groove (he’s in thegroove)
He’s in the groove

And now our destination’s here, you turn to me and say
Let’s go go baby, (go go go), it’s lots of fun today
Let nothing get in the way

I’m on an awayday with you babe (come on, come on, come on)
Come on girls, let’s have it awayday
Let’s have it awayday!

I’m on an awayday with you babe (come on, come on, come on)
Come on girls, let’s have it awayday
Let’s have it awayday!


BIG LID TROUBLE

BIG LID TROUBLE!

I used to be a man of thought but I forgot what I was taught
Big Lid Trouble
There was a time when I was clever but now I'm not, oh no not ever
Big Lid Trouble

We used to be contenders, we were witty, clever, intelligence vendors
Big Lid trouble up, my head bubble up
But went downhill on a bender, which turned out to be a never-ender

I used to have an intellect, but now I've only got a neck
Big Lid Trouble
I wanted to study astronomy but black hole head prevented me
Big Lid Trouble

Big Lid Trouble trouble up, my head bubble up

Ah huh, ah huh, ah huh. ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ha!
Ah huh, ah huh, ah huh. ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ha!
Ah huh, ah huh, ah huh. ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ah huh, ha!
Ah huh, ah huh, yeah, yeah, yeah

I used to have a lid, I did, I did, I did
But now I'm ill-equipped because my lid has flipped

Off-licence give us big trouble, when we walk passed it we see double
Big Lid Trouble
I wanted to be a scientist, but spent my time just getting p-p-pissed
Big Lid Trouble

We used to be contenders, we were witty, clever, intelligence vendors
Big Lid trouble up, my head's all rubber nuts
Which went downhill on a bender, which turned out to be a never-ender

This is the story of Johnny Bubble
He drank too much and he's seeing double
He hasn't shaved his head, his head's all stubble
You know he's got... BIG LID TROUBLE

(How do you spell lid?)

B-I, B-I-G, B-I-G, BIG
L-I, L-I-D, L-I-D, LID

BIG LID TROUBLE, Big Lid, Big Lid


TANGO SLAMDANCE

Now what this world needs, is some kinda song
Something you can listen to, enjoy and sing along
And if you feel excited and think that you can dance
Well, come on and give yourself a chance

Well you've been out all night and yes, you've been drinking
And yes sir, boss sir, know what you're thinking
You need something, something exciting
Ooh well, something to do, well like a...

Tango Slamdance, that's what I asked for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I came for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I live for
Ooh baby, that's what I wanna, wanna...
Tango Slamdance, that's what I asked for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I came for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I live for
Ooh baby, just let me dance

Well you've been out, and you've been drinking
And yes sir, boss sir, know what you're thinking
You need something, something exciting

Ooh well, something to do, a like a...

Tango Slamdance, that's what I asked for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I came for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I live for
Ooh my baby, just rip, rip, rip, rip it up now...

Just give me one night with The Ramones
At a lid-flipped concert
I'll be out there on my own, a lid-flipped expert
Well I've been out all night and well I've been drinking
I wanted something to do, like a

Tango Slamdance, that's what I asked for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I came for
Tango Slamdance, that's what I live for
Ooh yeah



All songs ©The Vulcans 2002
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