LONG LIFE SAUSAGE ROLL

(Spoken)
Hi everybody – welcome to Long Life Sausage Roll (hi, hi)
Here’s a collection of songs we’ve written and we hope you’re gonna enjoy them
And here’s Mark to tell you a little about what was going on
Well, we had a lot of fun
Yes we did didn’t we, and what do you think Ray?
Ma, ma, ma, ma
Ray doesn’t think anything
Anyway, here’s a little song for us to be going along with for now so sit back, relax and enjoy the show

Not much money, not much hair, not much chin, not much up there
Not much future, not much hope, not much talent just a coupla dopes
We’ve been together through thick and thin,
I’m the one who’s thick, and I’m the one who’s thin
Not much to do, not much to say
Not much of anything, been out to lunch for days (singalong!)

Bub bup bup bup burdum etc.

Long Life Sausage Roll, put another slice on the toaster baby
Long Life Sausage Roll, scotch egg, pork pie, cranberry...


FLIP

(Hee hee hee etc)

Well he’s a crazy mixed up kid, he’s got a brain full of liquid
It turned him demented, when his Mother flipped her lid
I tell you it’s the truth, he nicked me wisdom tooth

And I flipped, you flipped, he flipped, we all flipped
It’s too late, what’s done is done, and at the time it seemed like fun
This one’s gonna run, run, run, run, run!

Well he’s a schitzoid no mistake, he’s got a brain that’s half-baked
It’s an act that’s hard to fake, but think of the cash you could make
I tell you it’s no lie, he’s not that kind of guy

And I flipped... oh God, I did too

He was gonna flip anyhow, I knew it would be soon but I didn’t think now
You see, it was a message from up above
Because he did it all for love, and then he, and then he,
and then he, and then he flipped, he flipped!

I lent him my front door key, ‘cause I thought he was trustworthy,
He invited some friends for tea, who ended up as salami
I tell you believe me, he’s right out of his tree

And I flipped, you flipped, we flipped, he flipped
It’s too late, what’s done is done, and at the time it seemed like fun
This one’s gonna run, run, run, run!
This one’s gonna run, run, run, run!
This one’s gonna run, run, run, run, run!

He likes to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
‘Cause he’s ill, ill, ill, ill, ill
He’s got the will, will, will, will, will
To survive

He may be sick, sick, sick, sick, sick
But he ain’t thick, thick, thick, thick, thick
You must be quick, quick, quick, quick, quick
If you wanna stay alive

He likes to kill, kill, kill, ‘cause he’s ill, ill, ill
He’s got the will, will, will, to survive
He may be sick, sick, sick, but he ain’t thick, thick, thick
You must be quick, if you wanna stay alive


GOUGH BROTHERS/PARTY

Good evening all f**king English c**ts out there, f**kin' b*****ds,
'Ere, f**k you, what, what yer say? You're a c**t

Well, what's this I hear about me and my pal,
And me what yer sayin' about him and me,
I'll piss up yer like you were a tree

'Cause the Gough Brothers are all right with me

They're doin' me good, treat me fine,
Those two good old pal of mine,
Doin' good bitter at 99p

The Gough Brothers are all right with me

Only 49p for a strong beer, you English c**nts turn a hair,
Watch out laddie I'll have your ear

'Cause the Gough Brothers are all right with me

Ploughman's at 39p
Boags lager at 49p
Baxter's bitter at 99p
It's good enough for me

What's that yer drinkin', that snotty stuff,
What's up with this, it ain't good enough,
Just 'cause it was 20p
Ain't the Gough Brothers good enough for thee?

Spent most of my days with a nail through my head
Well, you know what I mean Jimmy, know what I mean Jimmy,
You know what I mean,
It costs just to breathe in this city and I took a really deep breath
You know what I mean Jimmy, you know what I mean Jimmy

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee Hooooooooooo!

The Lord looked down upon our land to see what he could see
He founded a bank in Texas, and for a manager he chose me
If you believe as I do, as I do, as I do
You'll feel his love as I do, and profit from his name

Oh yessiree (oh yessiree), oh yesiree (oh yessiree)
We were havin' a party!

Well have you heard about the coming of the second profit,
I saw it coming long ago, directed to my pocket

Oh yessiree (oh yessiree), oh yesiree (oh yessiree)
We were havin' a party!

The Lord was havin' a party, yesiree
You better dress up smartee, yesiree
You better starch your collar, yesiree
And bring your 50 dollars, yesiree, that's all!


NANNY BYRNE

(Spoken)
Get out of bed - EH! I’m talkin’ to you!
You bladdy bugger, I’ll tell you Mother, are you listening to me? hey, you...

Hey you bladdy sods, I’m gonna tell you Mother
She’ll put you in a home, you cheeky little bugger
I’ll slouse you when I get you, I’ll tan your backside
Everyday the same thing, you make an old woman cry

Ah, ah, ah, ah, aaaah
You’s askin’ for it
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh
You’re just a bladdy basket!

Well leave Scott alone, you bladdy great bully
Your Mother’s coming now, you can help her with the trolley
Well what you doing now? You put those chocolates back
I’ll catch you, catch you, I’ll give you such a smack

Ah, ah, ah, ah, aaaah
You’s askin’ for it boy
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh
You bladdy basket, I’m gonna slouse yer!

(Spoken)
Hey, I’m talking to you, this is the last time I’m gonna tell you
If you don’t get out of that bed, you’re gonna be in big trouble
Can you hear me? Can you hear me?!

Whiteside’s at the door, you’re getting outta bed
You know you don’t mess, with the Deputy Head
Enough is enough, you’re just too lary
I’m gonna move in, with Auntie Mary
(You better believe it boy)

Ah, ah, ah, ah, aaaah
This is the last time I’m tellin’ yer boy
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh
Just get up outta that bed
Ah, ah, ah, ah, aaaah
I’m gonna tell you Mother
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh
I’ve had enough


DINO VALENTINO

Yeah, you alright, let’s rock, tell ‘em about it

Brand new suit hanging on the door, lapels flap, turn-ups on the floor
Ooooh, ooh, yeah, yeah!

I’m gonna get up, I’m gonna get smart,
I’m gonna slick up, and dress the part
And then I’m gonna hit the town

Lights flash, beers on the table
He’s got his bus pass, and bus timetable
He’s just another boy from the wrong side of town, oh yeah
He knows he hasn’t got a car, he knows the bus won’t get him far
But Dino plays guitar, well you know what I mean, well do yer?

C&A, just don’t look right
If you wanna look good you gotta wear Mr Byrite
Brand new suit hanging on the floor, lapels flap, turn-ups on the floor
Oooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah
Wearing checks, he’s gonna, feel alright,
He’s gonna chase the night, tonight, well alright

(Alright Jimmy, eh you, why don’t yer f**k off)

Dino strolled in through the door, he made a mess when he hit the floor
He drank six pints and wanted more, woo hoo, yeah yeah, woo hoo
The club he chose was dimly lit, he wasn’t sure by whom he got hit
Fell in a pizza on the floor, which had been eaten the night before yeah yeah
Combs the street in search of meat, sweeps a kebab off its feet
Squeeze the lemon, but the juice ran down his chin

If the boys wanna fight you better let ‘em
If the chicks don’t wanna know you best forget ‘em


KEN DODD'S TEARS

La, la-la-la, la-la-la (etc)

Outside the busker lynched my favourite tune
Ten quid later, I made my way back home
The river flowed where no fish dared to go
Trains passed by where I spied my future home

And Ken Dodd’s tears are raining on me
I popped up the offie and I spent a bit
Saw a good video and rented it
I wish I was on a plane, I wish I was off to Spain
I wish I lay flat on my back and on the beach again

And Ken Dodd’s tears are landing on me again
Ten quid later, I made my way back home
The rivers flowed where no fish dared to go
Trains passed by and I made my way back home

I popped up the offie and I spent a bit
Saw a good film and recorded it
I wish I was on a plane, I wish I was off to Spain
I wish I lay flat on my back and on the beach again

Happiness, hapiness, the greatest gift that I possess
Happiness, hapiness, the greatest gift that I possess

But Ken Dodd’s tears are raining on me again

I popped up the offie and I spent a bit
Saw a good video and rented it
Popped up the shop and spent a bit
Saw a good film and recorded it

I wish I was on a plane, I wish I was off to Spain
I wish I lay flat on my back and on the beach again


LOONEY LEFT BOP

Wooooooah, dubois!

In the looney left block, the wheelchair mob do the big lid bop
Na na-na, na na-na na-na na na hey hey yeah
They reached a nutty peak, during national ‘Out to Lunch Week’
Na na-na, na na-na na-na na na hey hey yeah
And he knows when he screams
He’s got ears but nowt between

His head bangs on me floor, like he did with his sticks before
Na na-na, na na-na na-na na na hey hey yeah
Why is he still alive, teabag turban more use as a beehive
Na na-na, na na-na na-na na na hey hey yeah
And he knows when he screams
He’s got ears but nowt between

Baba baba baba oooooh...
Just when you think he’s stopped
Baba baba baba oooooh...
You hope that he’s been topped

Sock sock, sock in it baby
(We’re goin’ to Flip City yeah, here we come etc.)
Sock sock, sock in it baby
Sock sock, sock in it baby, it’s a sock, sock, sock, sock in it

I applied for a room in the looney bin
But they turned me down, said I couldn’t get in
So I went and squatted at the looney townhall
I went to evening class to learn the looney hop
But when we gotta boppin’ we all got locked up
The doctors tried to kick my head in
So I went and hid in my bread bin

Baba baba baba oooooh...
The worst are usually the best
Baba baba baba oooooh...
Like the ones with bath plugs on their chests

Sock sock, sock in it baby
(We’re goin’ to Flip City yeah, here we come etc.)
Sock sock, sock in it baby
Sock sock, sock in it baby, it’s a sock, sock, sock, sock in it

He’s off the neck
He’s off the neck
He’s off the neck
He’s got the knack

I was on the looney train
The loonies had escaped again
One got stuck in the door
He didn’t know what doors were for
Well I thought he was talking to me
But he was talking to a tree

And I say...

Sock sock, sock in it baby
(We’re goin’ to Flip City yeah, here we come etc.)
Sock sock, sock in it baby etc.


SABINE GUINNESS

Sabine, Sabine, finest girl I’ve ever seen-a
Nothing could come between us, my sweet little baked bean-a
Sabine, Sabine, finest girl I’ve ever seen-a
Nothing could come between us, my sweet little baked bean-a

I had a dream that my Sabine had been a dream

Are yer all right Paddy?
I’d like to play you all a very dreary tune indeed
I like a song you can sing along to

It was a nasty business, what happened at Guinness
The barmaid’s tattooed arm, drew a shamrock that drooped
They say he never did it, but I have to admit it
It’s all in black and white, he took the cash and hid it

Hmmmmmmm, hmm hmmm etc.


LONG LIFE (Reprise)

(Spoken)
Well that’s it folks – we hope you enjoyed Long Life Sausage Roll
And maybe we’ll see you next week
But anyway, for now I’m afraid it’s goodbye
So goodbye everyone (bye bye, bye!) Goodbye


 

SPANISH MAID


GORDON RHYMES


HOODLUM


NUTLEY, NUTLEY, NUTLEY!


JAMES BOND


CROOKED MILE



All songs ©The Vulcans
2002

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